220) The life you long for is hidden in the life you have.
219) The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
218) Life is an adventure in forgiveness.
217) No man can taste the fruits of autumn while he is delighting his scent with the flowers of spring. (Samuel Johnson)
216) Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
215) We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.
214) A bad day isn’t a bad life. Don’t let yesterday define today.
213) Make time for your friends - or you want have any.
212) “What day is it?” asked Pooh. “It’s today,” squeaked Piglet. “My favorite day,” said Pooh.” (A.A. Milne)
211) Noses run, feet smell. Just saying.
210) If you want the answer to 'what', 'where', 'when' - change the Ws to Ts.
209) Incorrectly is only ever spelled correctly when it is spelled incorrectly.
208) Deliveries on a ship are cargo and in a car are a shipment - go figure!
207) So many people these days are way too judgmental - I can tell just by looking at them.
206) The world is changed by your example, not your opinion.
205) Stay away from negative people they have a problem for every solution'.
204) The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails'
203) The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.
202) I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.
201) The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and fetch your credit card from your wallet.
200) I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
199) The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose.
198) Before you diagnose yourself with low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not just surrounded by assholes.
197) He who fears he will suffer, already suffers because he fears.
196) I was going to go and get my hair cut on Thursday but I delayed it until Friday so I had time to mullet over.
195) Never assume legality equals morality.
194) Our beliefs always become our behaviours!
193) Nothing is truly ours until we share it.
192) Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.
191) Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a know God.
190) The responsibility for dealing with your baggage, is yours.
189) Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.
188) Even the darkest moment is defeated by the brightness of the dawn!
187) Don't be over-impressed by your past glories!
186) Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. Try not to be like most people!
185) Your value does not decrease based on someone else's inability to see your worth.
184) Signalling to the dentist you’re experiencing excruciating, white-hot, intense, all-consuming pain by closing one eye slightly.
183) “Let’s put some dates in the diary” : i.e. We shall not meet again, old friend .
182) “Ah well, never mind, eh” : i.e. It appears that everything has gone spectacularly wrong and all my dreams are crushed.
181) Scars tell the story of where you’ve been, They don’t dictate where you’re going.
180) Probably you don’t see things the way they are, instead you see things the way you are.
179) Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.
178) If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
177) Red sky at night: Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: Day.
176) Idleness is an enemy of the soul.
175) What we 'have' is not the most important thing about us.
174) If you don’t stand for anything, you stand for nothing.
173) One day you’ll be just a memory to a few people. Do your best to be a good one!
172) There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.
171) Everyone you meet today has their own set of unseen struggles; so do your best to lighten rather than increase their load.
170: Apparently all I need in life is something to eat, somewhere to sleep and someone to blame!
169: Trying to act relaxed/interested in a Sunday lunch conversation, whilst being acutely aware there’s not nearly enough gravy.
168: “Never mind, eh.” - Translation: Well that’s all my hopes crushed for the foreseeable. Tea?
167: “Yes, I remember you saying” - Translation: You’ve said it every day for a week.
166: The path of saints is ever made of fresh beginnings.
165: If you see me stuck down a well, don't ask how I got got there, ask how to help me get out.
164: The true test of being a servant is how you respond when you are treated like one.
163: A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
162: There can be neither today without yesterday nor tomorrow without today.
161: Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.
160: The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
159: Nothing ruins your Friday more than realising it’s still Thursday.
158: Don't think mere words are enough.
157: Why is it that my nose runs, but my feet smell?
156: Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
155: Apparently photons have mass? I didn't know that they were Catholic.
154: You have no rival you have no equal now and forever God you reign.
153: Often in difficulty - never in fear!
152: You cannot succeed by yourself. It’s hard to find a rich hermit.
151: Don’t try to fight tomorrow’s battles today.
150: Man 1: "I don't believe in coincidences". Man 2: " Oh my Gosh, neither do I".
149: I was struggling to make friends so bought a book called 'How to Make People Like You'. It was about cloning.
148: I like to imagine the guy who invented the brella ur, um hesitated before he named it.
147: The wolf cannot speak of the fear of the sheep
146: How can you fear God who made the rose
145: No one cares what you know until they know that you care.
144 : A task begun is easier than a task contemplated.
143: Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
142: Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.
141: By plucking her petals, you do not capture the beauty of the flower.
140: A mind all logic, is like a knife all blade, making the hand bleed that uses it.
139: Do not confuse you career with your life.
138: So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
137: “The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.”
136: Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy.
135: It is more important to know where you are going than to get there quickly.
134: The best revenge is to have enough self-worth not to seek it.
133: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
132: And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
131: Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
130: I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
129: To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.
128: Live in the hope of becoming a memory.
127: Never apologize before you are accused.
126: Only dead fish go with the flow.
125: If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
124: If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
123: I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
122: If you wait until you're ready, you could be waiting for the rest of your life!
121. Only those who want everything done for them are bored.
120: They say 'money talks' - mine only says 'good bye'.
119: Worrying appears to work - 95% of the things I worry about never happen.
118: A real friend is the one who walks in, when the rest walk out
117: Why is it that night falls but it's day that breaks?
116: Faith is the fortress of your heart.
115: Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp" anyway?
114: What do you get if you put together a joke and a rhetorical question?
113: What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.
112: The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
111: Life is simple, if you don't put anything into it you wont get anything out of it!
110: Never listen to anyone talking behind your back.
109: You can always find some gold in the dust of memories.
108: Democracy. The worse form of government except for all the others.
107: There is none so blind as those that wont listen.
106: Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.
105: All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
104: Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.
103: Broken pencils are pointless.
102: God is light, pure light; there’s not a trace of darkness in him.
101: A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.
100: It’s too much eye-liner if you have to ask.
99: If you can’t forgive and forget, pick one.
98: Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.
97: "I'm sorry," says the barman, "we don't serve time-travellers in here." A time traveller walks into a bar.
96: Everyone loves the idea of forgiveness - until they have something real to forgive.
95: So, I was worried I was getting fat, then I curled up small and started a fire. I was a little lighter.
94: I'm going to write in italics for the rest of my life. It will help me put my own slant on things.
93: I'm a hippopotamus when I'm alone, just I. But when there’s lots of us we are hippopotami.
92: Two cows in a field, one said “What do you think of mad cow disease?”, the reply was “Won’t affect me I'm a helicopter.
91: I was unsuccessfully trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. He finally said I don’t follow you.
90: An important lesson: “Learn to let go! Don’t let your mind busy itself by condemning, complaining, comparing, controlling.
89: Without oxen a stable stays clean.
88: As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought “Dogs are easily amused.” Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
87: I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
86: Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.
85: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
84: When all else fails, and you have no idea what is going on….. smile. At the very least, it freaks people out.
83: The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.
82: When in doubt, mumble.
81: Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
80: Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine at Norwich station.
79: It’s the horse you are the most unwilling to ride that will take you the furthest.
78: So I told my wife I had a new job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.
77: Text from chief executive of Findus: “Having a mare”. Awkward.
76: To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
75: The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty; the glass is twice as big as it should be.
74: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
73: A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. What should I be doing at my work s station?
72: If at first you don't succeed, try , try and try again.
71: If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
70: If at first you don't succeed, look in the bin for the instructions.
69: If at first you don't succeed, give up.
68: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
67: When you go to a donkey’s house, don’t talk about ears.
66: Don’t hang your hat higher than you can reach.
65: A life spent making mistakes is more useful than a life spent doing nothing. Comforting words for someone like me!
64: Label: “do not touch”. Means: “only touch when no-one is watching”.
63: My shin-bone – a great device for finding furniture in a dark room.
62: Anyone else press harder on a remote control when you think the batteries are getting flat?
61: Write injuries in dust, benefits in marble.
60: Sorrow is to the soul, as worm is to wood.
59: If a man is in a forest with no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
58: Just get up one more time than you are knocked down.
57: The person who thinks they know everything will eventually find they know nothing.
56: Never wrestle with a pig – you’ll both get dirty but the pig likes it.
55: Best knock knock joke yet : Knock knock. It’s open.
54: War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
53: Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.
52: You'd probably believe me if I said there are at least 4 billion stars, but you wouldn't if I said that paint is probably still wet.
51: It’s not who you were, but who you are.
50: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, and they went to sea in a Sieve (Edward Lear).
49: There is a fine line between being a numerator and being a denominator.
48: “Everything will be all right in the end… if it’s not all right then it’s not the end”.
47: “Stop making tea and start making a difference” (Rev Nigel).
46: No hot water, no heating, no shower, BUT hello liquorice allsorts.
45: “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot”
44: If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
43: “No one should doubt my admiration for David Cameron” (Boris Johnson, now wait for the coup).
42: Real happiness is cheap enough, yet how dearly we pay for its counterfeit.
41: Our greatest danger is not that we aim too high and miss, it’s that we aim too low and hit our target.
40: Good is the enemy of Great!
39: Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.
38: In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away
37: Did you know there’s no angry way of saying bubble?
36: What did the guy say when he got hit by a rental car. It Hertz.
35: The words of human beings are unstable things. But not so the words of God. They stand forever. (J Packer)
34: We judge people for judging people because judging people is wrong.
33: Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway
32: Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.
31: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
30: Whoever invented the Knock- Knock jokes should get a Nobel prize for literature.
29: People who say “Age is just a number” are clearly wrong….Age is a word.
28: There are only 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don’t.
27: It doesn't matter what actually happened, the only thing that matters is what people think happened!
26: Winners never quit and quitters never win.
25: I bet you I could stop gambling.
24: “Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.” (Robert Louis Stevenson)
23: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing they just waved…Did you sea what I did there?…I’m shore you did!
22: I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
21: Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy these 46 minutes of Vivaldi.
20: Tall trees catch more wind.
19: The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago.The second best time is now.
18: Did you know, five out of four people have problems with fractions.
17: Hands up if you've checked your phone/watch to see what the time is and then had to check again because you weren’t paying attention.
16: The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool. (William Shakespeare)
15: Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. (Albert Einstein)
14: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
13: Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it. Are you looking?
12: One of the funny things about this particular sentence is that by the time you figure out that it says absolutely nothing, it will be too late to stop reading it.
11: Today I decided I should make my words softer & sweeter – there’s a good chance I’ll have to eat them.
10: You cannot judge the horse by the harness.
9: A golden bit does not make the horse any better.
8: Dear stomach, you’re bored, not hungry. So shut up.
7: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr Seuss.
6: Two secrets to success: a) Don’t share everything you know, b)
5: Believe half of what you see, son, and nothing of what you hear.
4: Being yourself is NOT being the person everyone else wants you to be.
3: Name your iPod ‘Titanic’, plug it into the computer, “Titanic is syncing”, press cancel, feel like a hero.
2: When I grow up, I want to be me, only bigger.
1: The grass is greener where it is watered.
219) The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
218) Life is an adventure in forgiveness.
217) No man can taste the fruits of autumn while he is delighting his scent with the flowers of spring. (Samuel Johnson)
216) Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
215) We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.
214) A bad day isn’t a bad life. Don’t let yesterday define today.
213) Make time for your friends - or you want have any.
212) “What day is it?” asked Pooh. “It’s today,” squeaked Piglet. “My favorite day,” said Pooh.” (A.A. Milne)
211) Noses run, feet smell. Just saying.
210) If you want the answer to 'what', 'where', 'when' - change the Ws to Ts.
209) Incorrectly is only ever spelled correctly when it is spelled incorrectly.
208) Deliveries on a ship are cargo and in a car are a shipment - go figure!
207) So many people these days are way too judgmental - I can tell just by looking at them.
206) The world is changed by your example, not your opinion.
205) Stay away from negative people they have a problem for every solution'.
204) The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails'
203) The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.
202) I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.
201) The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and fetch your credit card from your wallet.
200) I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
199) The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose.
198) Before you diagnose yourself with low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not just surrounded by assholes.
197) He who fears he will suffer, already suffers because he fears.
196) I was going to go and get my hair cut on Thursday but I delayed it until Friday so I had time to mullet over.
195) Never assume legality equals morality.
194) Our beliefs always become our behaviours!
193) Nothing is truly ours until we share it.
192) Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.
191) Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a know God.
190) The responsibility for dealing with your baggage, is yours.
189) Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.
188) Even the darkest moment is defeated by the brightness of the dawn!
187) Don't be over-impressed by your past glories!
186) Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. Try not to be like most people!
185) Your value does not decrease based on someone else's inability to see your worth.
184) Signalling to the dentist you’re experiencing excruciating, white-hot, intense, all-consuming pain by closing one eye slightly.
183) “Let’s put some dates in the diary” : i.e. We shall not meet again, old friend .
182) “Ah well, never mind, eh” : i.e. It appears that everything has gone spectacularly wrong and all my dreams are crushed.
181) Scars tell the story of where you’ve been, They don’t dictate where you’re going.
180) Probably you don’t see things the way they are, instead you see things the way you are.
179) Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.
178) If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
177) Red sky at night: Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: Day.
176) Idleness is an enemy of the soul.
175) What we 'have' is not the most important thing about us.
174) If you don’t stand for anything, you stand for nothing.
173) One day you’ll be just a memory to a few people. Do your best to be a good one!
172) There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.
171) Everyone you meet today has their own set of unseen struggles; so do your best to lighten rather than increase their load.
170: Apparently all I need in life is something to eat, somewhere to sleep and someone to blame!
169: Trying to act relaxed/interested in a Sunday lunch conversation, whilst being acutely aware there’s not nearly enough gravy.
168: “Never mind, eh.” - Translation: Well that’s all my hopes crushed for the foreseeable. Tea?
167: “Yes, I remember you saying” - Translation: You’ve said it every day for a week.
166: The path of saints is ever made of fresh beginnings.
165: If you see me stuck down a well, don't ask how I got got there, ask how to help me get out.
164: The true test of being a servant is how you respond when you are treated like one.
163: A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
162: There can be neither today without yesterday nor tomorrow without today.
161: Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.
160: The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
159: Nothing ruins your Friday more than realising it’s still Thursday.
158: Don't think mere words are enough.
157: Why is it that my nose runs, but my feet smell?
156: Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
155: Apparently photons have mass? I didn't know that they were Catholic.
154: You have no rival you have no equal now and forever God you reign.
153: Often in difficulty - never in fear!
152: You cannot succeed by yourself. It’s hard to find a rich hermit.
151: Don’t try to fight tomorrow’s battles today.
150: Man 1: "I don't believe in coincidences". Man 2: " Oh my Gosh, neither do I".
149: I was struggling to make friends so bought a book called 'How to Make People Like You'. It was about cloning.
148: I like to imagine the guy who invented the brella ur, um hesitated before he named it.
147: The wolf cannot speak of the fear of the sheep
146: How can you fear God who made the rose
145: No one cares what you know until they know that you care.
144 : A task begun is easier than a task contemplated.
143: Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
142: Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.
141: By plucking her petals, you do not capture the beauty of the flower.
140: A mind all logic, is like a knife all blade, making the hand bleed that uses it.
139: Do not confuse you career with your life.
138: So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
137: “The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.”
136: Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy.
135: It is more important to know where you are going than to get there quickly.
134: The best revenge is to have enough self-worth not to seek it.
133: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
132: And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
131: Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
130: I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
129: To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.
128: Live in the hope of becoming a memory.
127: Never apologize before you are accused.
126: Only dead fish go with the flow.
125: If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
124: If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
123: I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
122: If you wait until you're ready, you could be waiting for the rest of your life!
121. Only those who want everything done for them are bored.
120: They say 'money talks' - mine only says 'good bye'.
119: Worrying appears to work - 95% of the things I worry about never happen.
118: A real friend is the one who walks in, when the rest walk out
117: Why is it that night falls but it's day that breaks?
116: Faith is the fortress of your heart.
115: Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp" anyway?
114: What do you get if you put together a joke and a rhetorical question?
113: What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.
112: The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
111: Life is simple, if you don't put anything into it you wont get anything out of it!
110: Never listen to anyone talking behind your back.
109: You can always find some gold in the dust of memories.
108: Democracy. The worse form of government except for all the others.
107: There is none so blind as those that wont listen.
106: Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.
105: All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
104: Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.
103: Broken pencils are pointless.
102: God is light, pure light; there’s not a trace of darkness in him.
101: A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.
100: It’s too much eye-liner if you have to ask.
99: If you can’t forgive and forget, pick one.
98: Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.
97: "I'm sorry," says the barman, "we don't serve time-travellers in here." A time traveller walks into a bar.
96: Everyone loves the idea of forgiveness - until they have something real to forgive.
95: So, I was worried I was getting fat, then I curled up small and started a fire. I was a little lighter.
94: I'm going to write in italics for the rest of my life. It will help me put my own slant on things.
93: I'm a hippopotamus when I'm alone, just I. But when there’s lots of us we are hippopotami.
92: Two cows in a field, one said “What do you think of mad cow disease?”, the reply was “Won’t affect me I'm a helicopter.
91: I was unsuccessfully trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. He finally said I don’t follow you.
90: An important lesson: “Learn to let go! Don’t let your mind busy itself by condemning, complaining, comparing, controlling.
89: Without oxen a stable stays clean.
88: As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought “Dogs are easily amused.” Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
87: I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
86: Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.
85: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
84: When all else fails, and you have no idea what is going on….. smile. At the very least, it freaks people out.
83: The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.
82: When in doubt, mumble.
81: Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
80: Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine at Norwich station.
79: It’s the horse you are the most unwilling to ride that will take you the furthest.
78: So I told my wife I had a new job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.
77: Text from chief executive of Findus: “Having a mare”. Awkward.
76: To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
75: The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty; the glass is twice as big as it should be.
74: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
73: A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. What should I be doing at my work s station?
72: If at first you don't succeed, try , try and try again.
71: If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
70: If at first you don't succeed, look in the bin for the instructions.
69: If at first you don't succeed, give up.
68: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
67: When you go to a donkey’s house, don’t talk about ears.
66: Don’t hang your hat higher than you can reach.
65: A life spent making mistakes is more useful than a life spent doing nothing. Comforting words for someone like me!
64: Label: “do not touch”. Means: “only touch when no-one is watching”.
63: My shin-bone – a great device for finding furniture in a dark room.
62: Anyone else press harder on a remote control when you think the batteries are getting flat?
61: Write injuries in dust, benefits in marble.
60: Sorrow is to the soul, as worm is to wood.
59: If a man is in a forest with no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
58: Just get up one more time than you are knocked down.
57: The person who thinks they know everything will eventually find they know nothing.
56: Never wrestle with a pig – you’ll both get dirty but the pig likes it.
55: Best knock knock joke yet : Knock knock. It’s open.
54: War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
53: Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.
52: You'd probably believe me if I said there are at least 4 billion stars, but you wouldn't if I said that paint is probably still wet.
51: It’s not who you were, but who you are.
50: Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, and they went to sea in a Sieve (Edward Lear).
49: There is a fine line between being a numerator and being a denominator.
48: “Everything will be all right in the end… if it’s not all right then it’s not the end”.
47: “Stop making tea and start making a difference” (Rev Nigel).
46: No hot water, no heating, no shower, BUT hello liquorice allsorts.
45: “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot”
44: If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
43: “No one should doubt my admiration for David Cameron” (Boris Johnson, now wait for the coup).
42: Real happiness is cheap enough, yet how dearly we pay for its counterfeit.
41: Our greatest danger is not that we aim too high and miss, it’s that we aim too low and hit our target.
40: Good is the enemy of Great!
39: Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.
38: In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away
37: Did you know there’s no angry way of saying bubble?
36: What did the guy say when he got hit by a rental car. It Hertz.
35: The words of human beings are unstable things. But not so the words of God. They stand forever. (J Packer)
34: We judge people for judging people because judging people is wrong.
33: Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway
32: Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.
31: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
30: Whoever invented the Knock- Knock jokes should get a Nobel prize for literature.
29: People who say “Age is just a number” are clearly wrong….Age is a word.
28: There are only 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don’t.
27: It doesn't matter what actually happened, the only thing that matters is what people think happened!
26: Winners never quit and quitters never win.
25: I bet you I could stop gambling.
24: “Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.” (Robert Louis Stevenson)
23: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing they just waved…Did you sea what I did there?…I’m shore you did!
22: I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
21: Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy these 46 minutes of Vivaldi.
20: Tall trees catch more wind.
19: The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago.The second best time is now.
18: Did you know, five out of four people have problems with fractions.
17: Hands up if you've checked your phone/watch to see what the time is and then had to check again because you weren’t paying attention.
16: The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool. (William Shakespeare)
15: Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. (Albert Einstein)
14: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
13: Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it. Are you looking?
12: One of the funny things about this particular sentence is that by the time you figure out that it says absolutely nothing, it will be too late to stop reading it.
11: Today I decided I should make my words softer & sweeter – there’s a good chance I’ll have to eat them.
10: You cannot judge the horse by the harness.
9: A golden bit does not make the horse any better.
8: Dear stomach, you’re bored, not hungry. So shut up.
7: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr Seuss.
6: Two secrets to success: a) Don’t share everything you know, b)
5: Believe half of what you see, son, and nothing of what you hear.
4: Being yourself is NOT being the person everyone else wants you to be.
3: Name your iPod ‘Titanic’, plug it into the computer, “Titanic is syncing”, press cancel, feel like a hero.
2: When I grow up, I want to be me, only bigger.
1: The grass is greener where it is watered.